diary of silly thoughts that dont matter

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ur weird for reading this lol

I think I’m constantly slightly depressed, like 40% out of what it could be.. and it’s been so long I don’t notice. Better than being fully depressed. But I guess in a moment of clarity I notice because when things are “normal” I’m not quite right or put together or have energy to care abt things I actually do.. and when things are sucking I’m just like, the same, so then I’m like I should be more sad but I’m just at a constant. And it makes sense why, and I can kind of see a way out of it and I do try but. There’s just no version of even my outside surroundings where things are more put together. I can be more put together and organized, very much, cuz I’m not and it overwhelms me more and compounds to where I’m not functioning like a normal adult at all. But just how the world works and shit and bad news u get bombarded w daily. I mean low key all my hobbies are pretty frustrating by nature too. Like I guess finishing a creative thing makes me happy. Idk being happy isn’t a realistic goal I think everyone thinks that’s like THE thing when it actually isn’t, just more like an occasional thing. The problems that don’t make life good are all human inflicted. It could be so much worse but could easily be better.

Fri 22 Nov
1. I slept with a squishmallow behind my head last night and somehow that made my slight chronic neck discomfort better ???? I’m not understanding.
2. Ok I think I know why I’m uncomfortable w being praised. Cuz like I’m very perfectionist. And there’s a lot of things I do daily in job or life that are imperfect but it is what it is, I wouldn’t be able to live doing everything perfectly it would be impossible. If I’m praised for something I’ve work really hard at, maybe that’s ok. But usually I still see flaws in it and I’m like yeah it’s ok but not that good let’s b real. And then obviously getting praised for something I know I could have done better is like HAHA DONT LOOK TOO CLOSE PLEASE!!!! And then mostly the stuff I am actually proud of ppl don’t really get like, the reasons I’m proud of it are because it feels new to me but from a different perspective it’s probably not shiny like how I’m seeing it. So idk typically I think the rare instances I’d be ok w getting that attention aren’t a thing, then at times where I do get that I’m like oh gawd no I don’t deserve all that. Idk it’s weird lol and I have learned how to take a compliment without downplaying or mentioning flaws immediately. I’m sure other ppl have this too.

Same day as the last post I am losing it
I mean to b fair, I can’t rly imagine a scenario in which anything I do creatively is actually successful.. like sure in the sense that it could benefit more than a few ppl (tho let’s b real I feel like no one rly sees my stuff anymore anyway) but also like to sort of survive off of.. idk I just can’t imagine how it would be, but to the point where I’m just likely not good enough to be that type of creative person. Sucks that it’s the only thing I’m really good at, and I’ve realized through so much trying that I can’t do it with my time because I’m not good enough. Like when do u give up right, cuz ppl say to not do that. But there comes a point where, yea u just do it as a hobby, which is how it always was, should have been, etc. I feel like I had many instances trying to be more outgoing with creativity because I was trying to literally survive off it, like that’s not my style at all to be forward I can’t stand it. But idk I don’t have a problem w it just being a hobby, it’s more like I’m so overwhelmed and not well as a person that I don’t have enough time/energy to work up to being creative anymore. And that just means like it’s not worth creating, whatever I have to say. Like sometimes I’ll see artists w studios and shows and ppl seem interested in their things. And I think I covet that even if I pretend to myself that I don’t want that. I don’t necessarily want the attention because with that comes responsibility and scrutiny and people who get jealous of u and that feels horrible and scary. But I want to do what I do right, but I’ve realized in this reality, doing what I do isn’t sustainable, worth it, or beneficial to anyone. I think it could be, but for whatever reason it isn’t. Maybe it’s probably beneficial to a few ppl like if they play a song and feel happy now and then. But I also don’t write happy songs usually. I try not to paint faces because everyone else paints faces or eyes or figures and I don’t want to do that. Like what comes out isn’t palatable. Idk what to do about that. Not do it. But it’s the thing I’m good at. Certainly in terms of a career all I have is sweeping the floor and cleaning the toilets, like I’ve fully failed at doing the thing. Maybe what messed me up was being told as a kid that I had a skill. And then seeing other ppl being successful in a career sense and believing I could do it too. But I’m not as good and lucky as they are. And I never will be. And that’s so normal and doesn’t mean I’m a bad person. It just means I have a bad time. And it is what it is. If I can’t do better or get luckier, that’s the result and I need to be ok with that. Also the world is on fire so none of this matters fr. Fuck world leaders.

F if I know what day it is
Ok biiicchhh I look this up like every month but like. How are we not more advanced w the treating “songs stuck in ur head” shit. Like that’s putting it lightly. I’m talking about, my brain hears literally any music I somewhat know or can repeat, and it’s just looping loud af all the time. Some days are worse than others. But god DAMN if not every Reddit or quora response is like “haha oh they’re called ear worms! Listen to the song”. I’ve complained abt this before on other platforms so I don’t want to rebeat a dead horse. But like. Do u know how frustrating that is? I have advance brain thinks it’s fun or self soothing or whatever tf to just intrusively background/foreground music of all levels of annoying, words, sometimes spoonerisms lmao.. like no this is not fun. Then I look up this + adhd and everyone’s like yaaa I have that. Or oh I had a friend and meds made it actually quiet. Bla bla bla like CAN WE STOP CALLING IT JUST AN EARWORM. It’s like a rutted brain pathway that’s very annoying and unchangeable. Swear to god a huge fear I have is I’ll be actively dying and some dumbass song is playing in the background. Imagine seeing the light and like, penis music is playing. No. Nonono please no.

Hahahahh wtf so. The culture I grew up in is heavily Christian and they’re like always inadvertently looking for signs that god is working in their life. And doing electrolysis on Mondays I always watch a bunch of like Christian topic debate and/or debunk or scholarly analysis videos. So I’m thinking about these things. And on the ride to work this morning I’m like to my partner oh it’s windy out huh. And she’s like ya. And the second I say that and she responds some guy in the cross walk had his hat blown off his head. And I’m like hahahah evidence of god???!! Jokingly. But then I’m like haha erm wait that would be so mean lol if god was proving “himself” to ppl who don’t believe by flipping ppls hats off their head and far away like a bully. Lmao ok. Bro I’m so primed for this shit in a bad way that I’m like. WELL SOMETHING even more coincidental is going to happen later today and prove me very wrong about this and actually prove god to me and I shouldn’t have ran my mouth. Brain worms. Edit: omg now my brain is picturing sad god being like ugh that wasn’t me!!! I’m going to get smited fr

Nov 11 24 Sometimes I give random thought to gender related queerness n labels n shit. And like it doesn’t matter, but also does if I’m trying to explain it to ppl who wouldn’t get it off rip. I could categorize myself in multiple ways but like, typically comes back to that the base of “me” is more useful and true if it’s allowed to be feminine and interact w femininity. And ppl can call me a man and he all day like I have to not care for my sanity, I just understand that despite showing up as masculine in some instances (being tough at times, having some masculine hobbies and job, etc), the bulk of my time isn’t spent existing like that, especially not internally. And that average “me” seems to be very different than how most men act or want to be existing. N I’m like what about words like femboy, boy is kind of weird, then I’m like, well feminine man I guess but that doesn’t feel correct. Ok I’ll listen to conservatives and dig into that (they typically tell trans girls, you should just be a feminine man and call it a day). And erm, yes feminine men exist, in multiple ways. But I don’t think I fit well into those categorizationssss ..like it’s close-ish but no. It’s typically either men with a feminine twist (like high fem gay or “in touch w their femininity”) or like crossdressing. And I don’t rly care about what clothes I wear to some extent, I don’t have the energy tbh and I’m scared to get attention if I go out fuller femininely. More like, me, actually me my body and how I act/talk I need to be, at very least balanced. Idk if men feel bad about missing a girly childhood and interact w some of the cool shit they missed out on now. Or like, physically transition to be more feminine/neutral. Or pay attention to their nail shape/polish and long hair. Or voice train because they don’t like their voice and can actually imagine an attainable softer less bass-y one. Or feel weird being seen or classified as a man in general. Or heavily identify with trans women’s experiences. Or feel kinda weird around guys. Idk if men think abt their adams apple as much or in the way I do. Like bro neck spike and face pubes is the ULTIMATE betrayal like ew ew ewwww. Idk if they ever had a moment where they nair their face and shave the hair backwards and it’s like oh yeah there’s me ugh finally. N spend like a million hours on 9v battery diy electrolysis. I simply do not know if these are normal man things. It’s cool if they are, and I’m sure ppl would label all these things as flaws, and encourage me to not be myself/ work towards a more accurate form that reflects actually me. It is fun to point out the classic funny traditional conservative mindfuck that is- if ur male and let femininity happen, ur not a man, u failed, weak pathetic f slur. But if ur like, ok actually I’m not a man like it rly doesn’t seem like it to any standard besides a hidden body part and secondary sex characteristics that can be modified. They’re like you’ll always be a man! Ur bones will be male when they dig u up in 500 years, I’m not playing in to your delusion! Ur just doing this for “all the positive attention trans women get” Reeeeee *empties round into bud light 36 pack*. Like, I hate that any of that weak attitude holds any weight in my life, it’s just the culture and religion I grew up in (worse now than it was back then but). It’s near impossible to shake in the subconscious. It leaves u feeling lost and failed if u don’t fit in. Having a massive political movement in ur immediate surroundings that labels any language/idea tools u could understand these feelings with as “woke nonsense” rly seems like a disservice. Even tho I logically understand topics around sex and gender and can explain these things intricately, having ppl in my life that I trusted be on the antagonistic side, that feels rly cool n neat love it smm. So, when the topic does come up w those ppl.. yea education is cool if ppl are ready for it. But for most, especially if ur saying a bunch of silly shit, idk if u deserve my coming out to u or explaining why things are the way they are. Let’s just call me a man, ooOo so triggering. Not to diminish the weight of words and opinions, but yeah like why would I talk to u if you’ve clearly made negative work in the opposite direction to understand why someone may be gender nonconforming and if that’s allowed lol, then purposefully choose to poison ur opinions by imbibing only cringe videos of some drag queen somewhere one time etc. Likee, people on that side of things wonder why their views are seen as distasteful and lazily dismiss it as, the sinful world is against them for speaking their truth. Nice, anyway. Maybe make an effort to understand ppl, or encourage ppl to put the time in to better understand themselves instead of always pushing every feeling and emotion down. That doesn’t work! <3

day of the Stupid ass election
I just listened to the stuff u should know episode on adhd and literally wtf it’s like a concise laundry list of my life ruining problems wtff !!!! I don’t understand why this wasn’t caught when I was a kid because the problems were there. And they’re talking about like how daunting tasks are completely overwhelming so like YEAH I do absolutely not know where to start talking to a mental health professional, to the point where I don’t even want to admit it or talk about it as I’m doing now. But like shit I don’t know how to do that or who to talk to and what hoops I have to jump through first like fuck that I can’t. And then they’re talking about people pleasing and rejection weighing so heavily emotionally like um yeah my literally first reaction is to shut all this down because, what I’m doing rn is self diagnosing and I understand people think ppl who do that are cringe and not actually sick (which can easily be a misconception, but that’s the perception). So as to not get anybody upset or appear like a “typical millennial” or whatever the fuck, I want to shut all this down and ignore it and not talk about it. Even though it fucks my life and I swore something was wrong with me and I don’t get how ppl do stuff normally. I’m overriding all that to note this because it seems important I think. It was just point by point. And low key I assume everyone is like that but I guess not. Like I want to say I’m probably fine and not waste anyone’s time and suck it up but also I probably have that shit

Edit : JFC broooouhh I just randomly seen this insta ad that was like 😡😡 NOT EVERYONE IS A LITTLE ADHD! EVERYONE GETS OVERWHELMED EVERYONE FORGETS THINGS SOMETIMES. And now I’m like ,,haha fuck me! I really must just be bad at living daily through direct fault of my own. I’m just embarrassing and self diagnosing. Dude I am never talking about this to anyone that’s so sick. But it also doesn’t matter because I’m making it up probably. It’s just.. everything they were saying on that podcast is a personality trait I have and have consistently struggled to make ways for myself to actually be ok in this world where you have to make money and be presentable etc.. but like does everybody do that? I literally can’t know and don’t know. The shame of being wrong is already crushing. So yah whatever I guess, I’m good. That’s what ppl seem to want, for u to stfu and never ask for help. So we ball idc.

Thursday Sep 266
high key rly dissapointed how big conspiracy culture has gotten. Shit will have people being confident abt things that aren't proven at all. And they'll base their whole worldview really far off of stacks of these conclusions. I don't get what happens mentally when things turn out to be wrong.. Or I guess it's always like "well we'll never know, I'm probably right (even if it doesn't make sense) but sure it's proven wrong now. But I'll be right in the future" mmmmm ok doesn't it make more sense to just be like, maybe this could be true but also the thing it probably is likely true, but maybe who knows...... Isn't that a million times more logical and you end up correct and not stacking likely falsehoods to get to abnormal conclusions that make u live in a different reality ???? It reflects on critical thinking is all I'm saying. I don't want to pretend like I'm some rly smart person by saying that cuz I'm sure I'm not but geeez it's so transparent sometimes, like even I can be like, oh eghhh no. And I'm skeptical. I've been thinking like sometimes u can be so skeptical but also so gullible to other random crap, especially if u want it to be true. Idk ftw we live in it doesn't have to be like this at all.

Tuesday

The other day I had a dream that my voice came out sounding gender neutral to myself. And that was pretty nice !

~Thursday ~ Hello Thought there was a gas leak but I guess it was a skunk. ??? I was just thinking about skating and getting frustrated and I wanted to write abt it to figure it out.. Like I pretty often get mad while skating. Not rly when trying normal tricks but I try weird tricks a lot when I film. Omg I keep feeling like there’s fleas on me. There probably is lol. But like getting mad feels stupid. Like dysphoric rly cuz it’s so man coded. And u kinda forget how to act right when u have raaage.. but I do sometimes when I’m trying something for a long ass time and I start to get worse at it. That does make sense. I also low key get mad trying to do non skate things if there’s an element of danger and I keep almost being able to do it but not. Like when u keep exposing urself to risk and failing even tho u know u can do the thing but u just can’t for some reason. But all that doesn’t mean I’m not having fun? Like to the outside view getting mad is something ppl never want u to do. It’s just part of the process I think. And landing the trick or finishing whatever battle it is, is like ok nice that was good we did it. Got the clip or whatever. It’s fun and novel putting urself in challenging situations where u know you’ll do the thing but it will take work and luck maybe. But it’s hard not to have rage when it feels like things are actively working against u in the battle idk. Sometimes u just have to yell fuck or whatever. Idk like when skate friends of mine get mad I just kinda laugh but obv encourage them to get the thing. But it’s kind of funny. I guess general public would be like ..wtf! But hockey temper is funny. It can be embarrassing secondhand too. Like if ur breaking boards n shit idk. But typically yeah it’s just like, outwardly looking pissed and maybe being like fuuuuuckhhh.. sometimes it feels cringe. But literally idk it’s part of the process sometimes. I try not to do it if ppl are around. But I have friends who are known for it and it’s like, they’re not actually mad. I think even skaters think that, like oh this person is actually gnarly cuz they get mad easily, as in they’re actually a scary person. And maybe, idk. But usually it’s just that’s how they get tricks and they choose shit that’s technically frustrating for them always but the reward mentally and also maybe clip if the film is worth it to them and their personal satisfaction/standards. I don’t even think usually it’s a, oh fake ppl do this, type thing. Cuz why choose a hard trick if u don’t have to. Maybe unless u decide professional skating is ur only chance of survival. But normally I think it’s just ppls process. I’m sure there’s someone who I’d be like, woah yea they’re too much. But sometimes ppl think that about ppl who just get outwardly pissed or yell to convince themselves to do something or when they get served up by a trick. Or what they see as super failing and other ppl don’t. Idk it’s interesting. I’m sure it makes no sense to outsiders why skaters get mad all the time. I try not to do it but it definitely happens. I feel like I always get the thing tho and it’s always fine. I can’t tell how bad it actually is, but it all feels like a process thing.